How to impress a girl (according to my date last night):
1. After trying to meet up for 3+ years, make sure you are 2 hours late to your first date. Now, I don't mean for work reasons or family issues or anything mature or responsible; I mean, you're showing up two hours late because you were getting drunk with your buddies. Oh, yeah...
2. Get drunk with your buddies beforehand. Not too much, so she can sense it and knows to run right away. No, no, just to that point where the two more drinks you have with her will send you over the edge. To the point where you are slurring, wobbling, and falling asleep as you speak.
3. Obviously, you should be falling asleep throughout the conversation. Which, might I mention, is understandable, since the conversation is incredibly dull. You're either pretending to listen, but not responding, talking about yourself (including, but not limited to, showing her pictures of yourself on your phone), or texting/chatting on your phone every 5 minutes. Along with the fact that you only have one passion in life. Only one thing you do in life. No time for hobbies or a life outside your artistic endeavor of choice. This will mean you have absolutely nothing to discuss. Because, you wouldn't show interest in her hobbies, after all.
4. Speaking of every 5 minutes, make sure to go to smoke or pee every 10-15 minutes. Hey, if she waited two hours for you already, I'm sure she'll be perfectly content waiting alone at the bar for you as you go across the street and buy a new pack, or a sandwich, or get married (as, you'll be gone ridiculously long....)
5. If you have a beard, and I do hope you have a beard, it'll be all kinds of scraggly and unruly. This way, when you take a swig of your bourbon, it will be soaked up by said beard. Then, when you insist on trying to kiss her every now and then, your beard will act effectively as a sponge and instead of your intended lips touching hers, your beard will squeegee out all the bourbon onto her face. This will leave her smelling cigarettes and beard bourbon (beardbon?) This is super attractive.
6. Finally, when she rejects your offer to either go home with her or take her home with you for the 8th or 9th time, you will them promptly check your phone and, coincidentally, your band mate will need you present immediately. Thus, you leave in a hurry, leaving enough money to cover your drinks (which you requested be the cheapest liquor they have available) and a 2 dollar tip, despite the bartender being a fan and complimenting your music, as well as offering to let you play at his bar sometime.
Follow these rules and your new lady friend will be chasing you around like a bloodhound on a fox's trail. Hot diggity dog!
And, hey, even if it doesn't work out, the bartender will remind you that you just weren't meant to be with a "4'3'' hairy and broke accordion player who showed up late and drunk." I guess it's not for everyone!
Thursday, November 6, 2014
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Step One in Life
Being organized is important. This is because, if you aren't organized, and you're just frazzle and absent-minded, you look like an idiot. I should know; I'm an idiot, after all. However, I am a fairly organized idiot. You can be, too! So, how about we discuss HOW to be organized? After all, research, and every person with a 1st graders education, knows that people who are disorganized are negatively affecting their mental well-being. True fact! Chaos around you represents chaos within you. Now, I don't know if a wacky mind leads to a wacky home, or visa versa, but I'm going to assume it's a two-way road. Just avoid all the wreckage and get yourself together.
1. Get a calendar, you animal! What is wrong with you? How do you even remember to breathe? A calendar is the most essential item you could possibly possess. I am ashamed to even call you a human being. There's a calendar in your phone, on your computer, on your tablet, and they sell adorable calendars with puppies on each page. They're practically bursting out of your spleen, you have so many options!
Every adult whose head has never been kicked by a horse should use a calendar or notepad or write on their hand. Because, you moron, remembering stuff can be difficult. Because, you imbecile, you're going to complain that you forgot or are late because you didn't write it down. Let's fix that now, and just maybe, one day, someone will like you. Go get one.
You sicken me.
2. Put things back. This should be the most obvious and clean-cut rule. If you turn on a light; or a faucet; or use your keys; or put your child somewhere; or put your butcher knife in someone's body, after you're done, put it back where it belongs. Turn off the light or faucet, put your keys on a rack, put your child and butcher knife back to bed. I realize this is a complex concept for some of you zombie-esque lead-munchers, but today's lesson is going to reinforce ideas that your goldfish could have told you. I know you're lazy, though, so, when you get home, putting your umbrella in the stand is not your first wish. Either, stop being lazy (those love handles won't tighten themselves) or write it down. Where, you ask? HEY! Look at step one! Funny, that.
3. Create folders. Whether it's a physical folder that you label or a box or a file on your computer, make it happen. Because you are retarded, you will lose track of where you put important papers. The good news is, this isn't the year 1500, we have places for papers. We have folders that hold papers. We have binders and cardboard boxes and 2-pocket folders with pictures of ponies and sparkly lizards on them! If it's a folder on your computer's desktop, you have the potential to be SO organized.
Files:
1- 2014
2- December
3- Office Party
4- Photos of you crying under your work desk with a bottle of peach Schnapps in one hand and a picture of your dead mother in the other.
The photos of your mother's funeral will go under:
2014 - October - Funeral - "She never loved me"
But she probably didn't love you because you always left the kitchen light on.
4. Give things order. Not that everything you own has to be in alphabetical order based on colour, but some control is very important. The organization of your things represents the only bit of sanity left in you. So, don't mess this up, you psycho.
Organizing a drawer, or closet, or stack of stuff is much like the aforementioned file and folder thing. You start broad and then get more specific. If you have 5 drawers, you can fix things up by size. Undies on top, then shirts and skirts, then extras, like sweaters, and then pants and dresses. Or, go by season, how often you wear the things, or, yes, even colour is acceptable. Though, I imagine there will be much more of some colours than others. In your case, I bet there's a lot of black.
If your drawer then overfloweth, you should try to designate a special spot for the stuff you probably won't be wearing everyday (or sell/donate these things!) Because you're a privileged and spoiled individual.
This brings me to step 5!
5. Chuck it! I know how much you loved your best friend's ex, and you planned on them getting married and making you the best man and the maid of honour, but you seriously have to throw out that custom "Best Person of Honour" badge you bought. It cost you $5 on Ebay and no one wants to see it on your wall when they enter your home. Learn to say, "Goodbye!" The same way you said it to that guy you accidentally ran over and then ditched behind a garbage dump two summers ago. Your secret is safe.
Things seem like they will eventually become useful or cool or have their time to shine, but they won't. Things get old and useless. You'll experience that one day. For now, just get a sane friend to come over (we're assuming you have one of these from camp as a child, when everyone was mean to you, so the camp forced another child to be your friend. After 4 years of this, she felt weird ditching you, so she stuck around), pick things up and let them decide for you whether it's a 'Keep' or 'Chuck'. Don't argue. Don't rationalize. DO IT. It will hurt, but so will being a hoarder with 16 cats.
I think that's everything. If you're not completely useless, you can use these hints and apply them to other things and whatever. I don't care what you do.
1. Get a calendar, you animal! What is wrong with you? How do you even remember to breathe? A calendar is the most essential item you could possibly possess. I am ashamed to even call you a human being. There's a calendar in your phone, on your computer, on your tablet, and they sell adorable calendars with puppies on each page. They're practically bursting out of your spleen, you have so many options!
Every adult whose head has never been kicked by a horse should use a calendar or notepad or write on their hand. Because, you moron, remembering stuff can be difficult. Because, you imbecile, you're going to complain that you forgot or are late because you didn't write it down. Let's fix that now, and just maybe, one day, someone will like you. Go get one.
You sicken me.
2. Put things back. This should be the most obvious and clean-cut rule. If you turn on a light; or a faucet; or use your keys; or put your child somewhere; or put your butcher knife in someone's body, after you're done, put it back where it belongs. Turn off the light or faucet, put your keys on a rack, put your child and butcher knife back to bed. I realize this is a complex concept for some of you zombie-esque lead-munchers, but today's lesson is going to reinforce ideas that your goldfish could have told you. I know you're lazy, though, so, when you get home, putting your umbrella in the stand is not your first wish. Either, stop being lazy (those love handles won't tighten themselves) or write it down. Where, you ask? HEY! Look at step one! Funny, that.
3. Create folders. Whether it's a physical folder that you label or a box or a file on your computer, make it happen. Because you are retarded, you will lose track of where you put important papers. The good news is, this isn't the year 1500, we have places for papers. We have folders that hold papers. We have binders and cardboard boxes and 2-pocket folders with pictures of ponies and sparkly lizards on them! If it's a folder on your computer's desktop, you have the potential to be SO organized.
Files:
1- 2014
2- December
3- Office Party
4- Photos of you crying under your work desk with a bottle of peach Schnapps in one hand and a picture of your dead mother in the other.
The photos of your mother's funeral will go under:
2014 - October - Funeral - "She never loved me"
But she probably didn't love you because you always left the kitchen light on.
4. Give things order. Not that everything you own has to be in alphabetical order based on colour, but some control is very important. The organization of your things represents the only bit of sanity left in you. So, don't mess this up, you psycho.
Organizing a drawer, or closet, or stack of stuff is much like the aforementioned file and folder thing. You start broad and then get more specific. If you have 5 drawers, you can fix things up by size. Undies on top, then shirts and skirts, then extras, like sweaters, and then pants and dresses. Or, go by season, how often you wear the things, or, yes, even colour is acceptable. Though, I imagine there will be much more of some colours than others. In your case, I bet there's a lot of black.
If your drawer then overfloweth, you should try to designate a special spot for the stuff you probably won't be wearing everyday (or sell/donate these things!) Because you're a privileged and spoiled individual.
This brings me to step 5!
5. Chuck it! I know how much you loved your best friend's ex, and you planned on them getting married and making you the best man and the maid of honour, but you seriously have to throw out that custom "Best Person of Honour" badge you bought. It cost you $5 on Ebay and no one wants to see it on your wall when they enter your home. Learn to say, "Goodbye!" The same way you said it to that guy you accidentally ran over and then ditched behind a garbage dump two summers ago. Your secret is safe.
Things seem like they will eventually become useful or cool or have their time to shine, but they won't. Things get old and useless. You'll experience that one day. For now, just get a sane friend to come over (we're assuming you have one of these from camp as a child, when everyone was mean to you, so the camp forced another child to be your friend. After 4 years of this, she felt weird ditching you, so she stuck around), pick things up and let them decide for you whether it's a 'Keep' or 'Chuck'. Don't argue. Don't rationalize. DO IT. It will hurt, but so will being a hoarder with 16 cats.
I think that's everything. If you're not completely useless, you can use these hints and apply them to other things and whatever. I don't care what you do.
Monday, October 20, 2014
Veeeery Interesting!
"Here come da judge! Here come da judge!" - Sammy Davis Jr.
Self-fulfilling prophecy; that's a phrase you hear too often, isn't it? It is. Rarely when it's accurate, though. It's not usually applied in the time and place it is supposed to be in. It isn't.
Yet, the truest application is always around us. It's going on practically constantly and everyone's too busy with their own busy to notice!
Kids, why do you think your Type-A daddy drinks a- wait- why don't they sell beer in milk cartons?? Who would be more likely to find a runaway teenage girl than the drunk down the street with his torn carton o' booze?
That's not what I was discussing, though, was it? It was not. The reason your daddy drinks a keg of milk everyday is because he's miserable, kids.
Okay, yes, that's a big part of it. Alcoholism covers a lot of underlying issues. Okay, okay. How about this? The 16 year old girl who is top of her class and is about to graduate high school and proceed to go to college at Geniusbutt University. She walks in confidently; belt on pants, hand on boots, eyes, ears, nose, and mouth... and she swigs her weed stick!! *brainsplosion* WHY!? Why are you ruining your life, honey? Your future! Your friends! Your kitten! Your teeth! They're going to be all yellowish! ew.
Well. Tell me, if she fails her first semester, what will she blame? Who will she blame? Her friends for being bad influences? Her parents for pressuring her? Herself for not being smart enough or not being ready? Or, will she blame the pots?
The pots can't defend themselves. Most people already have their prejudices. So, the pots will get blamed, if she tells her parents, she'll get in trouble, BUT, no one will think her a failure or a dummy, just another victim of the Mary J. Bli-jane. After some lecturing and finger-wagging, she'll go back to the comfort of her parents' arms and escape the scary Geniusbutt U. for a little longer.
Now, was this self-fulfilling in that she wished it and so it came to be, or that she wanted it, and therefore, unconsciously caused it to occur?
Did she protect her butt? Hey, she had it good: either, she'd pass nonetheless and be a potman hero OR she's get out school without blaming herself or feeling a loss of dignity. Not quite as large of one, at least.
Unborn pair
Self-fulfilling prophecy; that's a phrase you hear too often, isn't it? It is. Rarely when it's accurate, though. It's not usually applied in the time and place it is supposed to be in. It isn't.
Yet, the truest application is always around us. It's going on practically constantly and everyone's too busy with their own busy to notice!
Kids, why do you think your Type-A daddy drinks a- wait- why don't they sell beer in milk cartons?? Who would be more likely to find a runaway teenage girl than the drunk down the street with his torn carton o' booze?
That's not what I was discussing, though, was it? It was not. The reason your daddy drinks a keg of milk everyday is because he's miserable, kids.
Okay, yes, that's a big part of it. Alcoholism covers a lot of underlying issues. Okay, okay. How about this? The 16 year old girl who is top of her class and is about to graduate high school and proceed to go to college at Geniusbutt University. She walks in confidently; belt on pants, hand on boots, eyes, ears, nose, and mouth... and she swigs her weed stick!! *brainsplosion* WHY!? Why are you ruining your life, honey? Your future! Your friends! Your kitten! Your teeth! They're going to be all yellowish! ew.
Well. Tell me, if she fails her first semester, what will she blame? Who will she blame? Her friends for being bad influences? Her parents for pressuring her? Herself for not being smart enough or not being ready? Or, will she blame the pots?
The pots can't defend themselves. Most people already have their prejudices. So, the pots will get blamed, if she tells her parents, she'll get in trouble, BUT, no one will think her a failure or a dummy, just another victim of the Mary J. Bli-jane. After some lecturing and finger-wagging, she'll go back to the comfort of her parents' arms and escape the scary Geniusbutt U. for a little longer.
Now, was this self-fulfilling in that she wished it and so it came to be, or that she wanted it, and therefore, unconsciously caused it to occur?
Did she protect her butt? Hey, she had it good: either, she'd pass nonetheless and be a potman hero OR she's get out school without blaming herself or feeling a loss of dignity. Not quite as large of one, at least.
Unborn pair
Saturday, October 18, 2014
You're a pain in the colon!
Actually, the doctor says my pain comes from my stomach. Though, that was simply based on a push-and-go method. You know, she put pressure around my abdomen and asked where it felt tender or painful. The painful area was around the stomach. So, there you go. Stomach cancer... or ulcers, I suppose. Maybe just my diet. But I'm going to assume tumours, unless otherwise informed. Makes things sound more exciting.
I was asked if I could write a description of my pain and woes as a blog. For the most part, I avoid discussing physical pain, as we all have some sort, and in the bigger picture, it's usually not a huge deal. I guess my stomach pains are the most I've ever been affected by a physical pain, though. This also forces me to talk exclusively about myself, which may have been the idea. In which case, boo on you.
Just because I am stubborn, I will aim to distance this blog about MY pain from ME as much as possible.
First of all, let's discuss the different symptoms of all those thingies I mentioned....
1 - Stomach cancer :
In the early stages of stomach cancer, you may have:
Indigestion and stomach discomfort
A bloated feeling after eating
Mild nausea
Loss of appetite
Heartburn
In more advanced cancer, you may have:
Discomfort in the upper or middle part of the abdomen.
Blood in the stool
Vomiting or vomiting blood.
Weight loss.
Pain or bloating in the stomach after eating.
Weakness or fatigue associated with mild anemia
Chances I have stomach cancer: Pretty much, no chance. It's typically found in Japanese coal-mining men over 70 with a family history.
Last I checked, none of those apply to me. BUT, the early symptoms sound very familiar!
2- Ulcers :
A gnawing or burning pain in the middle or upper stomach between meals or at night
Bloating
Heartburn
Nausea or vomiting
In severe cases, symptoms can include:
Dark or black stool (due to bleeding)
Vomiting blood (that can look like "coffee-grounds")
Weight loss
Severe pain in the mid to upper abdomen
Chances I have ulcers: Fairly high, since it runs in my family. However, I tried the medication, and it did nothing. But ulcers are common in Ashkenazi Jews, as is Crohn's and, well, pretty much any stomach issue.
3- Crohn's disease :
Diarrhea.
Fever and fatigue.
Abdominal pain and cramping.
Blood in your stool.
Mouth sores.
Reduced appetite and weight loss.
Perianal disease.
People with severe Crohn's disease may also experience:
Inflammation of skin, eyes and joints
Inflammation of the liver or bile ducts
Delayed growth or sexual development, in children
Chances I have Crohn's: Fairly low, since the pain would not stem from the stomach, as mine does. However, the pain test was not very scientific, so who knows what we'll find. The benefit of Crohn's is that, though there is no cure, there are treatments and, like, sympathy. If I just have IBS, no one cares and there's nothing I could do about it.
4- IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) :
Abdominal pain or cramping
A bloated feeling
Gas
Diarrhea or constipation
Mucus in the stool
Chances I have IBS: Middle of the road. I have been informally diagnosed with it before without tests or anything. The doctor just said it's probably the issue. Although, mucus in the stool sounds like the most horrifying thing in the world. I never want to know what that looks like. That is probably the worst thought a human (or body) could conceive of. "Hey, let's just take the two most disgusting human things, put them together, and inflict it on someone." Now, this could very well be my issue, but, as I said, it's just as painful as the other stuff, so I may as well have something unpleasant but treatable!
There are probably other options out there, but these are the four usual suspects. It's funny, I am NOT the type to go to the doctor. I rarely went as a kid, and I just never felt things were bad enough or worth the time. However, I've had to run to the hospital for this pain, I've canceled a million plans because of this pain (though, no one ever believes that excuse), and it's become very difficult to focus in class or on work when I am going through the pains, so, I knew it was time to deal with it. Of course, it's taking forever, but it's better than not bothering at all!
I guess one thing I've gained from my stomach issues is the ability to focus on everything I do. I no longer take my healthy days for granted. They've become uncommon, so when I am not in pain, I make sure I get out of the house and go somewhere interesting and fun. I also always know what I'm eating, how fast I'm eating, and I'm very conscious of what hurts and what helps. Or, I try to be. It can be hard to tell. Not to mention, I'm really good at falling asleep on the bathroom floor. Ya know, because sometimes the time is NOW, and you do not want to be in the wrong room.
While whatever I am dealing with is not the worst affliction ever, it does affect me and it does affect my life, so, of course, my answer is, JOKES! That's what I do. It's not everyone's first choice. And, I try to be appropriate about things, particularly since I blush easily. But sometimes the only way to get through a rough night is to joke about it.
One day there will be a movie:
There are two lovers lying under the stars, looking deep into each other's eyes, the lighting is perfect, the temperature is perfect, the moment is perfect... and then she doubles-over in pain and runs to the bathroom for half an hour. She comes skipping in afterwards and giggles, "I need to borrow a pair of pants, babe."
Or....
Our heroine is exploring the forest with knife in hand. She's ready to fight anyone or anything that comes along. Suddenly, her stomach starts gurgling. "Not now!" she whispers.
On she goes. Seeking out Dr. Badguy. Killing snakes and bears and whales along the way. Then her stomach gurgles and growls again.
"Oh, no."
She runs and runs, trying to find her way to the end of the forest. She can't be caught pants down, she can't be found so vulnerable. She runs, and then walks and tries to remain calm. She's now waddling. She's now holding back a single tear that has formed from squeezing her buttocks so tight. Then she sees it; a heavenly and divine bush to crouch behind. She jumps behind it and finds sweet relief. That is, until she looks beside her and sees her foot sliding down towards 30 feet below, where there is a running stream. Pushing herself out of the slipping dirt patch, she jumps back out. Nearly having broken an arm or leg or her neck, she realizes, she hadn't made it entirely in time. She runs back home, finds her mother, and giggles, "I need to borrow a pair of pants, mom."
I was asked if I could write a description of my pain and woes as a blog. For the most part, I avoid discussing physical pain, as we all have some sort, and in the bigger picture, it's usually not a huge deal. I guess my stomach pains are the most I've ever been affected by a physical pain, though. This also forces me to talk exclusively about myself, which may have been the idea. In which case, boo on you.
Just because I am stubborn, I will aim to distance this blog about MY pain from ME as much as possible.
First of all, let's discuss the different symptoms of all those thingies I mentioned....
1 - Stomach cancer :
In the early stages of stomach cancer, you may have:
Indigestion and stomach discomfort
A bloated feeling after eating
Mild nausea
Loss of appetite
Heartburn
In more advanced cancer, you may have:
Discomfort in the upper or middle part of the abdomen.
Blood in the stool
Vomiting or vomiting blood.
Weight loss.
Pain or bloating in the stomach after eating.
Weakness or fatigue associated with mild anemia
Chances I have stomach cancer: Pretty much, no chance. It's typically found in Japanese coal-mining men over 70 with a family history.
Last I checked, none of those apply to me. BUT, the early symptoms sound very familiar!
2- Ulcers :
A gnawing or burning pain in the middle or upper stomach between meals or at night
Bloating
Heartburn
Nausea or vomiting
In severe cases, symptoms can include:
Dark or black stool (due to bleeding)
Vomiting blood (that can look like "coffee-grounds")
Weight loss
Severe pain in the mid to upper abdomen
Chances I have ulcers: Fairly high, since it runs in my family. However, I tried the medication, and it did nothing. But ulcers are common in Ashkenazi Jews, as is Crohn's and, well, pretty much any stomach issue.
3- Crohn's disease :
Diarrhea.
Fever and fatigue.
Abdominal pain and cramping.
Blood in your stool.
Mouth sores.
Reduced appetite and weight loss.
Perianal disease.
People with severe Crohn's disease may also experience:
Inflammation of skin, eyes and joints
Inflammation of the liver or bile ducts
Delayed growth or sexual development, in children
Chances I have Crohn's: Fairly low, since the pain would not stem from the stomach, as mine does. However, the pain test was not very scientific, so who knows what we'll find. The benefit of Crohn's is that, though there is no cure, there are treatments and, like, sympathy. If I just have IBS, no one cares and there's nothing I could do about it.
4- IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) :
Abdominal pain or cramping
A bloated feeling
Gas
Diarrhea or constipation
Mucus in the stool
Chances I have IBS: Middle of the road. I have been informally diagnosed with it before without tests or anything. The doctor just said it's probably the issue. Although, mucus in the stool sounds like the most horrifying thing in the world. I never want to know what that looks like. That is probably the worst thought a human (or body) could conceive of. "Hey, let's just take the two most disgusting human things, put them together, and inflict it on someone." Now, this could very well be my issue, but, as I said, it's just as painful as the other stuff, so I may as well have something unpleasant but treatable!
There are probably other options out there, but these are the four usual suspects. It's funny, I am NOT the type to go to the doctor. I rarely went as a kid, and I just never felt things were bad enough or worth the time. However, I've had to run to the hospital for this pain, I've canceled a million plans because of this pain (though, no one ever believes that excuse), and it's become very difficult to focus in class or on work when I am going through the pains, so, I knew it was time to deal with it. Of course, it's taking forever, but it's better than not bothering at all!
I guess one thing I've gained from my stomach issues is the ability to focus on everything I do. I no longer take my healthy days for granted. They've become uncommon, so when I am not in pain, I make sure I get out of the house and go somewhere interesting and fun. I also always know what I'm eating, how fast I'm eating, and I'm very conscious of what hurts and what helps. Or, I try to be. It can be hard to tell. Not to mention, I'm really good at falling asleep on the bathroom floor. Ya know, because sometimes the time is NOW, and you do not want to be in the wrong room.
While whatever I am dealing with is not the worst affliction ever, it does affect me and it does affect my life, so, of course, my answer is, JOKES! That's what I do. It's not everyone's first choice. And, I try to be appropriate about things, particularly since I blush easily. But sometimes the only way to get through a rough night is to joke about it.
One day there will be a movie:
There are two lovers lying under the stars, looking deep into each other's eyes, the lighting is perfect, the temperature is perfect, the moment is perfect... and then she doubles-over in pain and runs to the bathroom for half an hour. She comes skipping in afterwards and giggles, "I need to borrow a pair of pants, babe."
Or....
Our heroine is exploring the forest with knife in hand. She's ready to fight anyone or anything that comes along. Suddenly, her stomach starts gurgling. "Not now!" she whispers.
On she goes. Seeking out Dr. Badguy. Killing snakes and bears and whales along the way. Then her stomach gurgles and growls again.
"Oh, no."
She runs and runs, trying to find her way to the end of the forest. She can't be caught pants down, she can't be found so vulnerable. She runs, and then walks and tries to remain calm. She's now waddling. She's now holding back a single tear that has formed from squeezing her buttocks so tight. Then she sees it; a heavenly and divine bush to crouch behind. She jumps behind it and finds sweet relief. That is, until she looks beside her and sees her foot sliding down towards 30 feet below, where there is a running stream. Pushing herself out of the slipping dirt patch, she jumps back out. Nearly having broken an arm or leg or her neck, she realizes, she hadn't made it entirely in time. She runs back home, finds her mother, and giggles, "I need to borrow a pair of pants, mom."
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Who's cool? You cool.
This "I'm a cool parent" or "we're a cool couple" thing is getting old. I don't mean parents and couples shouldn't be cool, I'm saying they should be cool within their own lives. With those connected to the situation. NOT posting cute/cool things they are doing all over social media. Now, we've all been there; you do something really cool or clever or funny and you WISH your life was The Truman Show, so you post it to your friends. Sure, that's fair. Once in a while, we have to brag about our coolness. However, when it becomes this, "Like oh my god, just a reminder, don't forget! I do really amusing things ALL the time. Aren't you jealous that you aren't as much fun as I am?"
That makes you look sad. Dare I say, pathetic?
A cool parent, to me, means that you are making your kid laugh all the time. A cool spouse/significant other brags about the amazing things their other half does, not what THEY do. If you're doing it and looking forward to showing it off to other people, you're probably in it for the wrong reasons. NOT COOL.
I do get it, though, as I said. Life can get mundane at times, one must spruce it up and, yeah, show other people that you're doing something interesting with your life and free time. Of course. Or, you need evidence that you are raising your kid in a unique and progressive way. You're proud when your kid is a little odd and original. Surely! There's always a limit, however. Some things are just best kept private and hey, eventually someone will notice how cool you guys are all on their own. If you're really doing a good job at it, someone will notice. Word will spread, you'll be the coolest mom/dad/spouse on the block. Like, whoa!
Hey, I've considered having kids eventually just so I could do weird, experimental things with them. I can say that because I don't want kids, otherwise. If my kids turned out super boring and stupid, I'd just punch them and lock them in a secret pathway under the wood floors. How cool would my kids be if they lived underground? They'd be super cool until they starved to death. See? This is how bad parenting begins! I will not have kids just to prove how unique they can be; I promise!
As for getting married and doing cute, weird couple things? I don't know if that would work... most guys think I'm too weird. I don't think they could keep up. I don't mean trendy positive weird, either. I mean, like wanting another dog so I can name him "Kuru". Yes, the fatal epidemic spread in New Guinea due to cannibalism. Like, that *would* be an awesome name, but most guys are not impressed with the idea. (To be fair, I've spoken to other guys who LOVE the idea, so... that's good.)
But cannibalism aside, I'm just trying to say that being present in your situation is the most important thing you can have and appreciate. Rather than worrying about how you look to other people. This is something we all unconsciously focus on much too much. When we're little we want to be the most normal, popular kid who does all the trendy stuff. As we get older, some people stay that way, and some people remember how they got attention for being the most weird and unique, and therefore, become hyper-focused on that aspect. In the end, the concept is the same. Don't you see, man? It's all the same! We're all sheeple. Brainwashed by the media, man!
I hate that word- "sheeple". It sounds gross, and, of course, overused. Do people still think that's a clever term? "Whoa- what if we take the word PEOPLE, but imply that we're all just following THE MAN by adding in the word SHEEP. It would totally become SHEEPLE. Where do I come up with this stuff!?"
Dangit, Johnson, you're not even trying anymore!!
Where was I?
My point is, this is why relationships are so poo-y these days. As soon as someone's spouse isn't being cute and "on" all the time, one gets bored of them or disappointed. Rather than looking for the little things, we are all seeking the big things. Now, that's not to say, I don't expect to be amazed and surprised and laughing all the time from whomever I choose to settle on one day, but that's only because I'm one for providing the entertainment. I expect it return. My standards and expectations are higher than healthy. BUT, still, I want it for me. Not to show off to other people. Therein lies the difference. I think. Maybe it's just as bad, but I am acknowledging it now, and I've remained single for 400 years in order to... um... not inconvenience anyone. Yes, that's it. It's all a choice, I say!
That reminds me of a conversation I had the other day. With someone. And I can't remember what the conversation was. I was talking about something... OH! About moving to Tennessee and being a redneck. I was saying, "I don't think I could do it. They say it isn't a choice, but we all know God intended us to be city-folk. Being a redneck just ain't natural!" I was being told I should try it and see if I like it, but I was adamantly opposed.
What does this have to do with anything? Nothing. Nothing at all. I just found it amusing and I don't have any children or spouse to brag to about how amusing I am, so I will do it here. Then again, you had to be there. It isn't funny at all written down. I just can't win.
But see how I brought it all around to a point? I wasn't just rambling!
If we could all just make our point and focus on the children - think of the children!! - then we'd all have healthier relationships and lives. And maybe we could all adopt animals and name them after brain diseases. That's all I really want.
That makes you look sad. Dare I say, pathetic?
A cool parent, to me, means that you are making your kid laugh all the time. A cool spouse/significant other brags about the amazing things their other half does, not what THEY do. If you're doing it and looking forward to showing it off to other people, you're probably in it for the wrong reasons. NOT COOL.
I do get it, though, as I said. Life can get mundane at times, one must spruce it up and, yeah, show other people that you're doing something interesting with your life and free time. Of course. Or, you need evidence that you are raising your kid in a unique and progressive way. You're proud when your kid is a little odd and original. Surely! There's always a limit, however. Some things are just best kept private and hey, eventually someone will notice how cool you guys are all on their own. If you're really doing a good job at it, someone will notice. Word will spread, you'll be the coolest mom/dad/spouse on the block. Like, whoa!
Hey, I've considered having kids eventually just so I could do weird, experimental things with them. I can say that because I don't want kids, otherwise. If my kids turned out super boring and stupid, I'd just punch them and lock them in a secret pathway under the wood floors. How cool would my kids be if they lived underground? They'd be super cool until they starved to death. See? This is how bad parenting begins! I will not have kids just to prove how unique they can be; I promise!
As for getting married and doing cute, weird couple things? I don't know if that would work... most guys think I'm too weird. I don't think they could keep up. I don't mean trendy positive weird, either. I mean, like wanting another dog so I can name him "Kuru". Yes, the fatal epidemic spread in New Guinea due to cannibalism. Like, that *would* be an awesome name, but most guys are not impressed with the idea. (To be fair, I've spoken to other guys who LOVE the idea, so... that's good.)
But cannibalism aside, I'm just trying to say that being present in your situation is the most important thing you can have and appreciate. Rather than worrying about how you look to other people. This is something we all unconsciously focus on much too much. When we're little we want to be the most normal, popular kid who does all the trendy stuff. As we get older, some people stay that way, and some people remember how they got attention for being the most weird and unique, and therefore, become hyper-focused on that aspect. In the end, the concept is the same. Don't you see, man? It's all the same! We're all sheeple. Brainwashed by the media, man!
I hate that word- "sheeple". It sounds gross, and, of course, overused. Do people still think that's a clever term? "Whoa- what if we take the word PEOPLE, but imply that we're all just following THE MAN by adding in the word SHEEP. It would totally become SHEEPLE. Where do I come up with this stuff!?"
Dangit, Johnson, you're not even trying anymore!!
Where was I?
My point is, this is why relationships are so poo-y these days. As soon as someone's spouse isn't being cute and "on" all the time, one gets bored of them or disappointed. Rather than looking for the little things, we are all seeking the big things. Now, that's not to say, I don't expect to be amazed and surprised and laughing all the time from whomever I choose to settle on one day, but that's only because I'm one for providing the entertainment. I expect it return. My standards and expectations are higher than healthy. BUT, still, I want it for me. Not to show off to other people. Therein lies the difference. I think. Maybe it's just as bad, but I am acknowledging it now, and I've remained single for 400 years in order to... um... not inconvenience anyone. Yes, that's it. It's all a choice, I say!
That reminds me of a conversation I had the other day. With someone. And I can't remember what the conversation was. I was talking about something... OH! About moving to Tennessee and being a redneck. I was saying, "I don't think I could do it. They say it isn't a choice, but we all know God intended us to be city-folk. Being a redneck just ain't natural!" I was being told I should try it and see if I like it, but I was adamantly opposed.
What does this have to do with anything? Nothing. Nothing at all. I just found it amusing and I don't have any children or spouse to brag to about how amusing I am, so I will do it here. Then again, you had to be there. It isn't funny at all written down. I just can't win.
But see how I brought it all around to a point? I wasn't just rambling!
If we could all just make our point and focus on the children - think of the children!! - then we'd all have healthier relationships and lives. And maybe we could all adopt animals and name them after brain diseases. That's all I really want.
Monday, September 15, 2014
Woke up with a concept.
I would like to take this opportunity to discuss the rumour spread of a cookbook being released by the author, humourist, director, and beloved philanthropist Woody Allen. These rumours were correctly and fairly spread by one correct and fair... me!
Mr. Allen, born at the intolerable and inconvenient height of 5'5'' had the chutzpah to begin a career in cooking at the newly inspired age of XX. An age censor requested by his agent, in order to uphold his high standards of secrecy and vanity. Alongside these inflamed and accurate allegations of his authorship of said cookbook, he was also honoured earlier this year with an award presented by Melanie B. AKA Scary Spice of late "Spice Girl" fame. He received the honour with the title, "Scariest Person with Potential to Sport a Cultural Afro". Ms. B was heard chuckling at the apropos terminology used; "sport", reminiscent of her fellow Spicy girl "Sporty Spice". Unfortunately, no one else found this joke as amusing as she did.
It is noted that this Spice Girl's sense of humour, or lack thereof, is no reflection of that of Mr. Allen's. As a matter of fact, he found her humour, "... as stupid as the term Zigguh Ziggah!"
The data of utmost importance in this case is the recognition of what Allen has chosen to include in his cookbook. Firstly, the title he has aptly chosen is, "Filet it Again, Sam". One which in disclosure, he reveals was actually a second desirable choice next to, "Everything you always wanted to know about steak, but were too afraid to ask." A long title his editor felt was too close to the more risqué title of a movie he directed many years prior.
Nonetheless, recipes in this book include:
- Starfruit Memories
- The Purple Onion with Taro
And, of course, a special recipe for a Manhattan without ice. Because no hypochondriac need face brain freeze on any given day.
Further information will be shared soon... if I think of anything else. Thank you.
Mr. Allen, born at the intolerable and inconvenient height of 5'5'' had the chutzpah to begin a career in cooking at the newly inspired age of XX. An age censor requested by his agent, in order to uphold his high standards of secrecy and vanity. Alongside these inflamed and accurate allegations of his authorship of said cookbook, he was also honoured earlier this year with an award presented by Melanie B. AKA Scary Spice of late "Spice Girl" fame. He received the honour with the title, "Scariest Person with Potential to Sport a Cultural Afro". Ms. B was heard chuckling at the apropos terminology used; "sport", reminiscent of her fellow Spicy girl "Sporty Spice". Unfortunately, no one else found this joke as amusing as she did.
It is noted that this Spice Girl's sense of humour, or lack thereof, is no reflection of that of Mr. Allen's. As a matter of fact, he found her humour, "... as stupid as the term Zigguh Ziggah!"
The data of utmost importance in this case is the recognition of what Allen has chosen to include in his cookbook. Firstly, the title he has aptly chosen is, "Filet it Again, Sam". One which in disclosure, he reveals was actually a second desirable choice next to, "Everything you always wanted to know about steak, but were too afraid to ask." A long title his editor felt was too close to the more risqué title of a movie he directed many years prior.
Nonetheless, recipes in this book include:
- Starfruit Memories
- The Purple Onion with Taro
And, of course, a special recipe for a Manhattan without ice. Because no hypochondriac need face brain freeze on any given day.
Further information will be shared soon... if I think of anything else. Thank you.
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
And, now what?
It doesn't particularly make sense to me as to why our options are so limited in life.
That sounds absurd. You can be a doctor or a hobo or a police chief or a lion tamer or.... well, you get the idea. Yes. This is true, you can BE whatever you want (if you BELIEVE!) but that's a tiny particle amidst the bigger picture!
Still, in order to survive and not disappoint those you love, you have to "grow up", to some extent. You have to LIVE and be independent and let go of people you care about. You have to lose people you enjoy having in your life. You have to be born and you have to thrive and you have to die. You and I don't have a choice in the matter.
I may want to go through life without stressing about taxes and work and grades, but in order to live a full life, I am expected to do this. Even if I live on my own terms, not caring about what anyone thinks, then I am just living a selfish life, and what's the joy in that? Majority of people allow themselves to be stressed and anxious and sad because we care about other people. Which would be fine; if we got to determine WHAT mattered.
What matters to those around us matters to us because of pre-determined expectations. What's "average" and "right" is what's "best".
If someone doesn't like the rules, they have no say in how it will affect others. If someone decides to live with their parents, not have a traditional job, and just work on their paintings or their inventions or their book their entire lives; sure, they could do that. But who does that benefit throughout? Not many people. Success and moving "forward" is what people want to see. Otherwise, you're not doing a whole lot. Even if in the end your invention helps millions of people, what good were those years between? Even if you were helping people and being a good person; chances are, no one will be impressed. Except, maybe other people who didn't bother doing much else with their life. This especially applies if one comes from a history of "successful" people.
**** Yes, I am putting a lot of words in quotes. This is because they note which terms are subjective. What one considers successful will differ greatly from what another does. But there is an objective view of what is success and selflessness and respectable. Myself included, I have my own bigoted views and snobby attitude from time-to-time. We all have standards. Some people just cut it off at "Well, if you have no desire to murder me, you aren't bad!", and others expect a lot more. Also, what I stated above is not necessarily my opinion (obviously!)
If your entire life, you've been surrounded by blue-collar influences, then you may view that as being the hardest working type of people. The most decent sort, and the kind of person you aim to be.
If your entire life you've been surrounded by white-collar folks, your standards will differ. You may hate that world, you may resent it, but that may still be the kind of person you aim to be. You may not become an accountant or CEO, but that is probably still what you view as the height of achievement. This won't immediately be obvious to you, or you may be in denial, but if there is an ingrained sense of degradation towards the blue-collar (or alternative lifestyle) variety, there is little chance one setting their goals at that point. Education and knowledge will always be a higher form of success and intelligence in your book.
There is certainly a high-anxiety-level in people of this type. Being an artist is difficult in its own right, due to the fact that making money and earning respect will be more of a difficult task. However, being that humans are social creatures, if expectations upon you are higher and more difficult to attain, stress will be higher.
This is another of those unfair aspects of life. Being thrown into the world, being labeled and boxed, and then told, "Maintain this or live knowing you've let us down." This is the opposite of what some professionals would call 'unconditional positive reinforcement'. A rare find these days. Everyone has felt that pressure. "If you are not like me (or what I want you to be like), I won't love you, or like you, or be proud of you, or support you.... etc."
Above all else, without UPR, life is more challenging. Bills may not get paid, assignments may not be in on time, but if at the end of the day someone still can appreciate you, I imagine you will still find joy and a purpose for living.
The thing is, most of us never leave the adolescent stage. We seek approval from others and we're spiteful. We're spiteful because we seek approval. Odd, isn't it? Like teenagers, people are so terrified of being rejected that we sometimes intentionally ruin a good thing before we can unintentionally ruin it. We also will stubbornly give up if we do not receive the feedback we seek.
Where one's priorities lie will nearly entirely determine their potential for contentedness throughout life. I can't say what will improve one's standing and pleasure. I cannot say how one resolves and rebirths. I suppose the most important thing is remembering that, one day, you'll be on your death bed. You may be surrounded by people who love you, you may be all alone when it happens. But, at that point, you have to face your choices and your life. What you've accomplished and seen and tried, that will be what's left with you. Sure, your time alive and suffering will be much longer than those weeks, days, or hours before death, when you can really contemplate everything, but what sums it all up are those last 20 minutes. No matter how senile or poorly you are, what you have experienced through life will be there with you in that moment. Maybe what matters the very most is what you find once you're at that point.
After all, we've all experienced what's prior to life, we'll all experience what's post-life; the time in-between the two is quite long and arduous, but maybe it's worth making it a good time.
That sounds absurd. You can be a doctor or a hobo or a police chief or a lion tamer or.... well, you get the idea. Yes. This is true, you can BE whatever you want (if you BELIEVE!) but that's a tiny particle amidst the bigger picture!
Still, in order to survive and not disappoint those you love, you have to "grow up", to some extent. You have to LIVE and be independent and let go of people you care about. You have to lose people you enjoy having in your life. You have to be born and you have to thrive and you have to die. You and I don't have a choice in the matter.
I may want to go through life without stressing about taxes and work and grades, but in order to live a full life, I am expected to do this. Even if I live on my own terms, not caring about what anyone thinks, then I am just living a selfish life, and what's the joy in that? Majority of people allow themselves to be stressed and anxious and sad because we care about other people. Which would be fine; if we got to determine WHAT mattered.
What matters to those around us matters to us because of pre-determined expectations. What's "average" and "right" is what's "best".
If someone doesn't like the rules, they have no say in how it will affect others. If someone decides to live with their parents, not have a traditional job, and just work on their paintings or their inventions or their book their entire lives; sure, they could do that. But who does that benefit throughout? Not many people. Success and moving "forward" is what people want to see. Otherwise, you're not doing a whole lot. Even if in the end your invention helps millions of people, what good were those years between? Even if you were helping people and being a good person; chances are, no one will be impressed. Except, maybe other people who didn't bother doing much else with their life. This especially applies if one comes from a history of "successful" people.
**** Yes, I am putting a lot of words in quotes. This is because they note which terms are subjective. What one considers successful will differ greatly from what another does. But there is an objective view of what is success and selflessness and respectable. Myself included, I have my own bigoted views and snobby attitude from time-to-time. We all have standards. Some people just cut it off at "Well, if you have no desire to murder me, you aren't bad!", and others expect a lot more. Also, what I stated above is not necessarily my opinion (obviously!)
If your entire life, you've been surrounded by blue-collar influences, then you may view that as being the hardest working type of people. The most decent sort, and the kind of person you aim to be.
If your entire life you've been surrounded by white-collar folks, your standards will differ. You may hate that world, you may resent it, but that may still be the kind of person you aim to be. You may not become an accountant or CEO, but that is probably still what you view as the height of achievement. This won't immediately be obvious to you, or you may be in denial, but if there is an ingrained sense of degradation towards the blue-collar (or alternative lifestyle) variety, there is little chance one setting their goals at that point. Education and knowledge will always be a higher form of success and intelligence in your book.
There is certainly a high-anxiety-level in people of this type. Being an artist is difficult in its own right, due to the fact that making money and earning respect will be more of a difficult task. However, being that humans are social creatures, if expectations upon you are higher and more difficult to attain, stress will be higher.
This is another of those unfair aspects of life. Being thrown into the world, being labeled and boxed, and then told, "Maintain this or live knowing you've let us down." This is the opposite of what some professionals would call 'unconditional positive reinforcement'. A rare find these days. Everyone has felt that pressure. "If you are not like me (or what I want you to be like), I won't love you, or like you, or be proud of you, or support you.... etc."
Above all else, without UPR, life is more challenging. Bills may not get paid, assignments may not be in on time, but if at the end of the day someone still can appreciate you, I imagine you will still find joy and a purpose for living.
The thing is, most of us never leave the adolescent stage. We seek approval from others and we're spiteful. We're spiteful because we seek approval. Odd, isn't it? Like teenagers, people are so terrified of being rejected that we sometimes intentionally ruin a good thing before we can unintentionally ruin it. We also will stubbornly give up if we do not receive the feedback we seek.
Where one's priorities lie will nearly entirely determine their potential for contentedness throughout life. I can't say what will improve one's standing and pleasure. I cannot say how one resolves and rebirths. I suppose the most important thing is remembering that, one day, you'll be on your death bed. You may be surrounded by people who love you, you may be all alone when it happens. But, at that point, you have to face your choices and your life. What you've accomplished and seen and tried, that will be what's left with you. Sure, your time alive and suffering will be much longer than those weeks, days, or hours before death, when you can really contemplate everything, but what sums it all up are those last 20 minutes. No matter how senile or poorly you are, what you have experienced through life will be there with you in that moment. Maybe what matters the very most is what you find once you're at that point.
After all, we've all experienced what's prior to life, we'll all experience what's post-life; the time in-between the two is quite long and arduous, but maybe it's worth making it a good time.
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