Unfortunately, many of us tend to be a lot more critical of ourselves than we are of others. For example, if someone else does something embarrassing, most of us let it go and do our best to make them feel better about it, right? We don't obsess over it, think less of them, or treat them differently. However, if you, yourself make a mistake, whether it's large or small, you do ALL those things. To the point of extreme anger and disappointment, at times.
Due to this natural and unhealthy habit, we tend to hurt ourselves even more. For me, I'll either put myself in situations where I know I'll suffer and struggle, thereby confirming the negative things I've decided about myself or, I'll self-sabotage and end up in a self-fulfilling prophecy of things not working out. Once again, confirming all the things about which I was angry and disappointed. Not giving myself a chance and not giving myself any room to grow or improve. All that's left is self-doubt and fear. Before my boss or friend has the chance to tell me how awful I am, it's already been decided in my head, so I run for the hills. All the motivational quotes in the world about believing in yourself and not giving up won't change that.
The latest inspirational poster phrase is, "Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways." First of all, can I get a comma? Second of all, this is just buying into the whole "adulting is hard", "I'm awkward", "being a hot mess is cool" thing. And, let's be real... no. The world doesn't need anymore of that. I don't want job ads telling me that I can wear a tank top to work and drink beer and play ping pong all day. Don't the "Under 40" people want any respect? Or, is that too old fashioned? As hard as it is to earn respect and do the work that typically earns the respect of others, I personally would appreciate a job and what I was doing within that job if people expected things of me; if the bar was raised a touch higher. Then again, I was that kid who liked the strict teachers. At least they taught me stuff and I respected them. Respecting someone and treating someone with respect are different things, by the way. I treat everyone respectfully and kindly, but that doesn't necessarily mean I look at just anyone and feel respect for them.
When I show up to work, I aim to be confident and prepared for my role. Thus, I am picky with my role. That may also be a mistake. Maybe survival ($$) comes first, then comes satisfaction with the position, but I never claimed to be so put-together. I'm figuring this thing out as I go along. Point being, those are my goals when going into a job. If I feel as though I am not completing my tasks as necessary and to my own best standards, then what makes me deserving of someone's time and money?
Now, if someone else were telling me these things about themselves, I'd tell them to put aside pride and all the tough guy talk and just get the job done. Believe in themselves and the process and "no one is perfect right away" and blaaahh blahhh... that's just how it works. Not because I don't think they are capable of achieving greatness, but there is nothing wrong with being average or learning as you go. There's no shame in failure or tripping up. It's a necessary part of the process. Still, I will be the first to admit that, it's SO HARD to face failure.
Mediocrity just seems so exhausting to me. Being as good as I need to be or should be is just not enough, it takes away the thrill and my control. If someone is superior or better at something, they have the opportunity to overpower me and make me feel inferior - I don't need more of that, thank you. I aim to be the best, whether there's recognition for it or not, I'll know it when it's happening. Just knowing that fact is all I seek in a job; that is fulfilling to me. The question is, if you never begin from the bottom, how will you ever reach the top? Well, world, that's my conundrum. That's what keeps me up at night. I do not know how to look beyond my needs being met instantly and see what I can accomplish given time and a period of vulnerability. Fear, fear, fear, it'll get ya. It always finds a way. Maybe us control freaks will eventually learn how to stop running away from our weaknesses, but until then, it may just start with self-kindness and forgiveness. Be gentle to yourselves, we're all sensitive, especially when you're your own worst enemy!
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