Dream, Dream, Dream....

"I wish I had told her I loved her"
"I wish I had visited more often"
"I wish I had been nicer"
"I wish I had forgiven him"

We hear these phrases a lot when someone passes away. We always think we could have done more. If we had done more, the death would be less painful and we would have less regrets. Maybe we'll look like the suffering friend/daughter/lover/etc....

Or, maybe, is that what we just convince ourselves? The opportunity was there all along. Yet, in the end, you didn't follow-through. It's easy to say you wanted to or wish you had, but when you don't, you prove that you didn't want to. Not enough, not when the opportunity was available.

"Visiting more often" is easier and takes up less of your time when the person is gone. You can no longer be called on your bluff. You can no longer be the bad person who didn't visit enough. You don't have to deal with listening to his problems or sit down with her and work through the tough times. Now all you have to do is WISH you had.

You're not a bad person if you have been in this position. Reality is, humans get exhausted. Especially of one another, even the one's we love. Tasks can be daunting or make you feel vulnerable or hurt your pride, and some people, even if they pass away, didn't make it easy.

Wishing leads to guilt and more hurt. It reminds us repeatedly of how we wronged someone. Someone who very well may have done the same thing or made the same choice.

However, what if we could erase these wishes? Or, minimize them?

What if, throughout our lives, we acted like the person we wish we were? A writing professor once said to my class, regarding writing about our personal lives, "Write about someone as if they were dead. Especially your parents." By which she meant, don't limit what your criticism of someone or what stories you tell, out of fear. Fear that they will be embarrassed or angry, or just deny the truth. Write as if you have nothing to hide and nothing to be ashamed of.
Now, imagine we did that every day of our lives? We did the things we would regret not having done once someone is gone, or we ourselves die?? Imagine how much more we'd all live and love!

Woody Allen is often quoted and despised for speaking of the meaninglessness of life. He's an existentialist to the core! Most recently he was criticized harshly while promoting his new film "Magic in the Moonlight." The following are quotes from Allen that have been selected in many published pieces and attacked:

“I firmly believe, and I don’t say this as a criticism, that life is meaningless, I’m not alone in thinking this — there have been many great minds far, far superior to mine, that have come to that conclusion. And unless somebody can come up with some proof or some example where it’s not, I think it is. I think it’s a lot of sound and fury signifying nothing, and that’s just the way I feel about it.

I’m not saying that one should opt to kill oneself, but the truth of the matter is, when you think of it, every 100 years, there’s a big flush, and everybody in the world is gone. And there’s a new group of people. And that gets flushed, and there’s a new group of people. And this goes on and on interminably — and I don’t want to upset you — toward no particular end, no rhyme or reason.

And the universe, as you know from the best of physicists, is coming apart, and eventually there will be nothing, absolutely nothing. All the great works of Shakespeare, and Beethoven, and Da Vinci, all that will be gone. Now, not for a long time, but shorter than you think, really, because the sun is going to burn out much earlier than the universe vanishes, so you don’t have to wait for the universe to vanish. It’ll happen earlier than that. So all these plays and these symphonies, the height of human achievement, will be gone completely. There’ll be no time, no space, nothing at all. Just zero. That’s why over the years, I’ve never written or made movies about political themes. Because while they do have current critical importance, in the large scheme of things, only the big questions matter, and the answers to those big questions are very, very depressing. What I would recommend — this is the solution that I’ve come up with — is distraction. That’s all you can do! You get up, you can be distracted by your love life, by the baseball game, by the movies, by the nonsense. Can I get my kid into this private school? Will this girl go out with me Saturday night? Can I think of an ending for the third act of my play? Am I going to get the promotion in my office? All this stuff, but in the end the universe burns out. So I think it’s completely meaningless, and to be honest, my characters portray this feeling. Have a good weekend"


I may be the first person to defend Mr. Allen and his somewhat "Debbie Downer" view on life. I think it directly relates to the message I am trying to convey as I write this blog-a-doo today. The reality is, we all are going to be that guy or girl, sooner or later. The one who died after 80, 90, 100 years of distracting themselves and lying to themselves and everyone around them. This is the nature of living, to contradict, lie, and deny the inevitable downfall of us all. However, and here's where you can put down the razor, this is not reason to give up and end it all! Au contraire! Existentialism, the realization of the pointlessness of it all is a lesson in freedom! You have the freedom to change your entire persona and being and life. No one can dictate your life for you. There is no purpose for you to chase or meaning - that just sounds like an elephant in the room. What we learn from people like Woody is that you have NO other reason to be on this Earth, very little affect on what will be in 100, possibly even 20 years, so why fill all that time being a useless jerk? Why dwell and regret and hate? I get the feeling Woody wasn't being quite so cheery about the whole thing, but his message does not have to be as drab and morbid as every single journalist pegged it to be. He didn't tell you what to do with your meaningless life, he just said it was meaningless. Interpret as you may! It could be you who is the downer, after all, if negativity was all you got from this quote.

I also wonder, what would the reaction be if I had made these statements? Heck, I HAVE made these statements. You know what responses I get? "Wow, you're right." ... "You're so morbidly adorable!"
It's all positive. It's all light and agreeable. I will leave you on that note. Think it over. Have a few drinks and talk it over. You're welcome.

The Downfall

There is never peace.
Whether it be your personal life, social life, or political life... there's an ongoing war. Just when you stop and say, "This is the answer. The solution to this set of problems. Nothing can go wrong." that's when another rocket goes off. You find yourself being pointed at and yelled at and blamed, whether you were the perpetrator or the victim. Oftentimes, we are both.

We live our everyday lives thinking we have things planned out, that the love you take is equal to the love you make.... We have our friends and family and this life that, just, works! That's such a great feeling. Yet, even when things are going so swimmingly, we find our problems. We have this innate urge to find trouble. If challenges were heat-seeking missiles, most of us would light ourselves on fire.

This is not a bad trait or an abnormal one, simply the nature of being alive. Relationships, work, school, travel... whatever your path, there will be, there must be, and there always will be conflict. Sometimes internal, and other times, external. The world can seem to be against your happiness and comfort. Then there are times when everything and its mama is going your way! 'Tis the nature of the beast. The beast is the heartbeat. The beast is the blood flow.

When I travel, I look to find how different cultures fight back and cope, and how they hurt. I think there are three universal answers to any crisis: religion, rebellion, and retaliation.

Religion can be a terrible response. When you live amongst murder and hatred and pain, religion can be a great excuse to pull out a weapon and say, "This is what I was told to do by God/Mohammed/angels!" It can be a cathartic solution to some.  Sickening as that may be, this is how some groups/individuals find their peace. That is not to say, on the other hand, that religion has no healing powers. I don't believe it works in a metaphysical way, but a very natural and, even, scientific way. It can soothe masses of people with its focus on inner-peace and mantras. Gospel and hymns can be very positive influences on the body and mind. Heck, you can go into a large, beautiful room and speak of everything that is pressing you at the moment. Whether it be sins or challenges, those doors welcome you and allow you to release. Bullets from the mouth to the sturdy walls, instead of steel bullets to the chest.

Rebellion is a risky choice, as well. Rebellion is absolutely necessary. It is how the world continues to thrive. It's how cultures and civilizations and any possible system you can think of in history made it... or didn't. Rebellion in most societies is what set the people free from fascism, dictatorship, injustice, and lack of general righteousness. Methods vary, however. Protests, rallies, demos, parties, lectures, sit-downs, stand-ups, starvation, screaming, silence, bombing, hugging... endless options are available for those who wish to send a message. The simplest form of expressing dissent is found everywhere: graffiti.

Graffiti is illegal in most places, of course, so what finer way to express frustrations and qualms with "the man"? Realistically, most of these vandals aren't in the game to be heroes or change the world. They just want their name "Homieslize bizznezz" on some wall. This is their claim to fame, their art for the purpose of posterity.
Then you have the artists who use their art and words to inspire youth and every onlooker who may eye the work. Words like "Eat the Rich" and "Revolt" are found in every country across the world.
I find it incredible how methods and messages such as these can reach the entire world, yet we still all see ourselves as so different from one another.

Retaliation kind of sums up both these options, as well as every other response. It is the most brutal option and has the most victims. We are all swayed by the beautiful model of what's "fair", what's justice, what's "getting even". Revenge! The code of Hammurabi was one of the earliest displays of this. Law #196. "If a man destroy the eye of another man, they shall destroy his eye. If one break a man's bone, they shall break his bone. If one destroy the eye of a freeman or break the bone of a freeman he shall pay one mana of silver. If one destroy the eye of a man's slave or break a bone of a man's slave he shall pay one-half his price."

Those who have been wronged salivate for revenge. But who or what is the true moral compass? Does anyone have the purity to say others deserve punishment? It seems easiest to cast stones upon others when we ourselves know we are deserving of them ourselves.
I may not have been caught committing my sin, but it is almost certain I have committed, at very least, one act of poor judgment, myself.
This topic gets into an entirely different philosophical conundrum, however. Involving the legal system and what have you.... All that aside, retaliation is probably the oldest form of catharsis, along with other emotional divulgences.

On a personal note, what this is all relates to in my own life is how I've seen my own obstacles turn from hurt into one (or more) of the three Rs. Recently, I came to a high point in my life. Details aside, things were happening for me that I did not think possible. Good things. Great things! I had an inkling it would not last forever - that was when, only a couple months later, all that was good began to dissolve. I'm not going to claim it was an utter travesty and my soul will never recover, but things began to roll downhill at an unexpectedly quick pace.
As far as I know, that's done. The boulder has hit a ledge and is resting for now. My reaction is still heating up, though. I don't see religion coming into play here. I won't assume karma will take care of things, nor will any force make everything all better again. I can't rely on that. Rebellion? I suppose I could fight my case and reveal the truth and hurt everyone involved. It won't fix anything, but it might give me a sense of accomplishing something. Of standing up for myself... maybe? Or, I could retaliate.