I don't know when I'm going to die, guys. It could be in a prison, it could be in a hospital... it could be while hiding in an attic, after hearing the words, "Where are they hiding?"
Hey, man, we live in crazy times, you never know!
Anyway, point is, the possibilities are endless. What I do know is that I need one person to agree to make sure that I get to eat my chosen last meal. I don't care if my body is obliterated beyond recognition and this meal has to be pumped into my blood stream like a reverse liposuction procedure. This needs to happen, if you care at all. My request is short and simple, I just need some gluten slathered in MSG, then wrapped in cotton candy and dipped in melted peanut butter. Feed that to me and we are fair squared away, deal?
Who knows if gluten is really so awful or if MSG is really the cancer-causing enemy that it has become known as (P.S. it's not), but I know my last meal is going to be grotesque and satisfying. If you have qualms with my request, step away and don't come back. I don't need that kind of negativity in the last days of my hypothetical dying day(s). Days of hypothetical dying? Hypothetical days of dying....? You know what I mean.
While you're at it, fill my grave with lollipops. Like, just really go at it, spare no expense. Come on, I didn't request a fancy meal or a big hullabaloo, the least you can do is go out, buy 4,000 lollipops and blanket my dead body in them. Any flavour will do, I'll give you that. This is just in case there really in any chance of me coming back or not really being dead or what have you. Just to cover all our bases, make sure I have some lollipops, it's really not a big deal. No, of course I don't think there will be anything going on after I'm buried and dead, but what do I know? Wouldn't it be awful if atheists and agnostics were wrong all this time? Disappointing, to say the least.
What's so good about the after life? There is no potentially good outcome from one that I could think up. I mean, I get home sick if I leave New York City for over a week, I can't imagine what I'd do hanging out in Heav- well, somewhere else for eternity.
You worked hard and stressed all your life to create something for yourself and surround yourself with relatively decent people, then you're just pulled away from that and have to start over. Really, what are the chances that there is even an option in which everything is precisely as you want it all the time? What if you can't decide and you can't have both or you're stuck with both, and the two combined is awful? Sure I want cotton candy and peanut butter for my last meal, but do I want it forever and ever? Do I want to hang out with puppies and unicorns combined at the torso? No! Imagine the height difference; it would be horrifying!
I don't even want to imagine my loved ones in this after life situation. Are they happy to be there, away from me forever, while I suffer on Earth from lacking them in my life? Will they just forget about me or will they suffer for eternity, missing the people they loved? And that's just the positive spin on things, if all they get is purgatory or Hell? Well, no, thank you, sir and/or madame!
Where is the bright side in all of this? Now, the living life is no walk in the park, but there are bright points in it and you still know you're going to die after it all. If things are really bad, there's comfort in knowing that it won't last forever, but if you're already there? If you're dead and got the "end" and now you're just lingering about without a next step or any chance of "living like it's your last day".... M'kay, thanks, but no, thanks.
