Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Step One in Life

Being organized is important. This is because, if you aren't organized, and you're just frazzle and absent-minded, you look like an idiot. I should know; I'm an idiot, after all. However, I am a fairly organized idiot. You can be, too! So, how about we discuss HOW to be organized? After all, research, and every person with a 1st graders education, knows that people who are disorganized are negatively affecting their mental well-being. True fact! Chaos around you represents chaos within you. Now, I don't know if a wacky mind leads to a wacky home, or visa versa, but I'm going to assume it's a two-way road. Just avoid all the wreckage and get yourself together.

1. Get a calendar, you animal! What is wrong with you? How do you even remember to breathe? A calendar is the most essential item you could possibly possess. I am ashamed to even call you a human being. There's a calendar in your phone, on your computer, on your tablet, and they sell adorable calendars with puppies on each page. They're practically bursting out of your spleen, you have so many options!
Every adult whose head has never been kicked by a horse should use a calendar or notepad or write on their hand. Because, you moron, remembering stuff can be difficult. Because, you imbecile, you're going to complain that you forgot or are late because you didn't write it down. Let's fix that now, and just maybe, one day, someone will like you. Go get one.
You sicken me.

2. Put things back. This should be the most obvious and clean-cut rule. If you turn on a light; or a faucet; or use your keys; or put your child somewhere; or put your butcher knife in someone's body, after you're done, put it back where it belongs. Turn off the light or faucet, put your keys on a rack, put your child and butcher knife back to bed. I realize this is a complex concept for some of you zombie-esque lead-munchers, but today's lesson is going to reinforce ideas that your goldfish could have told you. I know you're lazy, though, so, when you get home, putting your umbrella in the stand is not your first wish. Either, stop being lazy (those love handles won't tighten themselves) or write it down. Where, you ask? HEY! Look at step one! Funny, that.

3. Create folders. Whether it's a physical folder that you label or a box or a file on your computer, make it happen. Because you are retarded, you will lose track of where you put important papers. The good news is, this isn't the year 1500, we have places for papers. We have folders that hold papers. We have binders and cardboard boxes and 2-pocket folders with pictures of ponies and sparkly lizards on them! If it's a folder on your computer's desktop, you have the potential to be SO organized.

1- 2014
2- December
3- Office Party
4- Photos of you crying under your work desk with a bottle of peach Schnapps in one hand and a picture of your dead mother in the other.

The photos of your mother's funeral will go under:
2014 - October - Funeral - "She never loved me"

But she probably didn't love you because you always left the kitchen light on.

4. Give things order. Not that everything you own has to be in alphabetical order based on colour, but some control is very important. The organization of your things represents the only bit of sanity left in you. So, don't mess this up, you psycho.
Organizing a drawer, or closet, or stack of stuff is much like the aforementioned file and folder thing. You start broad and then get more specific. If you have 5 drawers, you can fix things up by size. Undies on top, then shirts and skirts, then extras, like sweaters, and then pants and dresses. Or, go by season, how often you wear the things, or, yes, even colour is acceptable. Though, I imagine there will be much more of some colours than others. In your case, I bet there's a lot of black.
If your drawer then overfloweth, you should try to designate a special spot for the stuff you probably won't be wearing everyday (or sell/donate these things!) Because you're a privileged and spoiled individual.
This brings me to step 5!

5. Chuck it! I know how much you loved your best friend's ex, and you planned on them getting married and making you the best man and the maid of honour, but you seriously have to throw out that custom "Best Person of Honour" badge you bought. It cost you $5 on Ebay and no one wants to see it on your wall when they enter your home. Learn to say, "Goodbye!" The same way you said it to that guy you accidentally ran over and then ditched behind a garbage dump two summers ago. Your secret is safe.
Things seem like they will eventually become useful or cool or have their time to shine, but they won't. Things get old and useless. You'll experience that one day. For now, just get a sane friend to come over (we're assuming you have one of these from camp as a child, when everyone was mean to you, so the camp forced another child to be your friend. After 4 years of this, she felt weird ditching you, so she stuck around), pick things up and let them decide for you whether it's a 'Keep' or 'Chuck'. Don't argue. Don't rationalize. DO IT. It will hurt, but so will being a hoarder with 16 cats.

I think that's everything. If you're not completely useless, you can use these hints and apply them to other things and whatever.  I don't care what you do.

Monday, October 20, 2014

Veeeery Interesting!

"Here come da judge! Here come da judge!" - Sammy Davis Jr.

Self-fulfilling prophecy; that's a phrase you hear too often, isn't it? It is. Rarely when it's accurate, though. It's not usually applied in the time and place it is supposed to be in. It isn't.

Yet, the truest application is always around us. It's going on practically constantly and everyone's too busy with their own busy to notice!
Kids, why do you think your Type-A daddy drinks a- wait- why don't they sell beer in milk cartons?? Who would be more likely to find a runaway teenage girl than the drunk down the street with his torn carton o' booze?

That's not what I was discussing, though, was it? It was not. The reason your daddy drinks a keg of milk everyday is because he's miserable, kids.
Okay, yes, that's a big part of it. Alcoholism covers a lot of underlying issues. Okay, okay. How about this? The 16 year old girl who is top of her class and is about to graduate high school and proceed to go to college at Geniusbutt University. She walks in confidently; belt on pants, hand on boots, eyes, ears, nose, and mouth... and she swigs her weed stick!! *brainsplosion* WHY!? Why are you ruining your life, honey? Your future! Your friends! Your kitten! Your teeth! They're going to be all yellowish! ew.

Well. Tell me, if she fails her first semester, what will she blame? Who will she blame? Her friends for being bad influences? Her parents for pressuring her? Herself for not being smart enough or not being ready? Or, will she blame the pots?
The pots can't defend themselves. Most people already have their prejudices. So, the pots will get blamed, if she tells her parents, she'll get in trouble, BUT, no one will think her a failure or a dummy, just another victim of the Mary J. Bli-jane. After some lecturing and finger-wagging, she'll go back to the comfort of her parents' arms and escape the scary Geniusbutt U. for a little longer.

Now, was this self-fulfilling in that she wished it and so it came to be, or that she wanted it, and therefore, unconsciously caused it to occur?
Did she protect her butt? Hey, she had it good: either, she'd pass nonetheless and be a potman hero OR she's get out school without blaming herself or feeling a loss of dignity. Not quite as large of one, at least.

Unborn pair

Saturday, October 18, 2014

You're a pain in the colon!

Actually, the doctor says my pain comes from my stomach. Though, that was simply based on a push-and-go method. You know, she put pressure around my abdomen and asked where it felt tender or painful. The painful area was around the stomach. So, there you go. Stomach cancer... or ulcers, I suppose. Maybe just my diet. But I'm going to assume tumours, unless otherwise informed. Makes things sound more exciting.

I was asked if I could write a description of my pain and woes as a blog. For the most part, I avoid discussing physical pain, as we all have some sort, and in the bigger picture, it's usually not a huge deal. I guess my stomach pains are the most I've ever been affected by a physical pain, though. This also forces me to talk exclusively about myself, which may have been the idea. In which case, boo on you.

Just because I am stubborn, I will aim to distance this blog about MY pain from ME as much as possible.

First of all, let's discuss the different symptoms of all those thingies I mentioned....

1 - Stomach cancer :
In the early stages of stomach cancer, you may have:
Indigestion and stomach discomfort
A bloated feeling after eating
Mild nausea
Loss of appetite

In more advanced cancer, you may have:
Discomfort in the upper or middle part of the abdomen.
Blood in the stool
Vomiting or vomiting blood.
Weight loss.
Pain or bloating in the stomach after eating.
Weakness or fatigue associated with mild anemia

Chances I have stomach cancer: Pretty much, no chance. It's typically found in Japanese coal-mining men over 70 with a family history.
Last I checked, none of those apply to me. BUT, the early symptoms sound very familiar!

2- Ulcers :
A gnawing or burning pain in the middle or upper stomach between meals or at night
Nausea or vomiting

In severe cases, symptoms can include:
Dark or black stool (due to bleeding)
Vomiting blood (that can look like "coffee-grounds")
Weight loss
Severe pain in the mid to upper abdomen

Chances I have ulcers: Fairly high, since it runs in my family. However, I tried the medication, and it did nothing. But ulcers are common in Ashkenazi Jews, as is Crohn's and, well, pretty much any stomach issue.

3- Crohn's disease :
Fever and fatigue.
Abdominal pain and cramping.
Blood in your stool.
Mouth sores.
Reduced appetite and weight loss.
Perianal disease.

People with severe Crohn's disease may also experience:
Inflammation of skin, eyes and joints
Inflammation of the liver or bile ducts
Delayed growth or sexual development, in children

Chances I have Crohn's: Fairly low, since the pain would not stem from the stomach, as mine does. However, the pain test was not very scientific, so who knows what we'll find. The benefit of Crohn's is that, though there is no cure, there are treatments and, like, sympathy. If I just have IBS, no one cares and there's nothing I could do about it.

4- IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) :
Abdominal pain or cramping
A bloated feeling
Diarrhea or constipation
Mucus in the stool

Chances I have IBS: Middle of the road. I have been informally diagnosed with it before without tests or anything. The doctor just said it's probably the issue. Although, mucus in the stool sounds like the most horrifying thing in the world. I never want to know what that looks like. That is probably the worst thought a human (or body) could conceive of. "Hey, let's just take the two most disgusting human things, put them together, and inflict it on someone." Now, this could very well be my issue, but, as I said, it's just as painful as the other stuff, so I may as well have something unpleasant but treatable!

There are probably other options out there, but these are the four usual suspects. It's funny, I am NOT the type to go to the doctor. I rarely went as a kid, and I just never felt things were bad enough or worth the time. However, I've had to run to the hospital for this pain, I've canceled a million plans because of this pain (though, no one ever believes that excuse), and it's become very difficult to focus in class or on work when I am going through the pains, so, I knew it was time to deal with it. Of course, it's taking forever, but it's better than not bothering at all!

I guess one thing I've gained from my stomach issues is the ability to focus on everything I do. I no longer take my healthy days for granted. They've become uncommon, so when I am not in pain, I make sure I get out of the house and go somewhere interesting and fun. I also always know what I'm eating, how fast I'm eating, and I'm very conscious of what hurts and what helps. Or, I try to be. It can be hard to tell. Not to mention, I'm really good at falling asleep on the bathroom floor. Ya know, because sometimes the time is NOW, and you do not want to be in the wrong room.

While whatever I am dealing with is not the worst affliction ever, it does affect me and it does affect my life, so, of course, my answer is, JOKES! That's what I do. It's not everyone's first choice. And, I try to be appropriate about things, particularly since I blush easily. But sometimes the only way to get through a rough night is to joke about it.

One day there will be a movie:

There are two lovers lying under the stars, looking deep into each other's eyes, the lighting is perfect, the temperature is perfect, the moment is perfect... and then she doubles-over in pain and runs to the bathroom for half an hour. She comes skipping in afterwards and giggles, "I need to borrow a pair of pants, babe."


Our heroine is exploring the forest with knife in hand. She's ready to fight anyone or anything that comes along. Suddenly, her stomach starts gurgling. "Not now!" she whispers.
On she goes. Seeking out Dr. Badguy. Killing snakes and bears and whales along the way. Then her stomach gurgles and growls again.
"Oh, no."
She runs and runs, trying to find her way to the end of the forest. She can't be caught pants down, she can't be found so vulnerable. She runs, and then walks and tries to remain calm. She's now waddling. She's now holding back a single tear that has formed from squeezing her buttocks so tight. Then she sees it; a heavenly and divine bush to crouch behind. She jumps behind it and finds sweet relief. That is, until she looks beside her and sees her foot sliding down towards 30 feet below, where there is a running stream. Pushing herself out of the slipping dirt patch, she jumps back out. Nearly having broken an arm or leg or her neck, she realizes, she hadn't made it entirely in time. She runs back home, finds her mother, and giggles, "I need to borrow a pair of pants, mom."