Hello, there! Just your local Jew here! Sitting in my pajamas on
Christmas Day, being a curmudgeon about this silly holiday. Come on,
even Chanukah, one of the least important Jewish holidays has a better
story than Christmas. The Christians can market a holiday, but if the
Jews can't come up with one impressive story....
I
talk big about hating Christmas, it kinda becomes my shtick this time
of year. But, honestly? I don't hate Christmas! Everyone seems extra
happy and positive and kind. Imagine if we could have that all year
long? We wouldn't make it a month, but it's a nice thought.
The
problem with this time of year is the countless greetings of, "Merry
Christmas!" I'm one those horrible people who prefers nice,
politically correct snowflakes to Christmas trees and Jesus staring at
me everywhere I go. I have no qualms with Jesus, I imagine he'd be
pretty cool and pro-Israel. Albeit, a commie with a huge ego, but we
could chill. The problem is seeing his empty eyes as he Jew-shames me
from the comfort of his little cross. Then, there's also people like the
one I overheard at the mall the other day yelling, "Like the Jews from
Christ, your friend is GONE!"
What the heck, lady? We don't need that kind of slander and propaganda making rounds again.
To
recap, Christmas is great, Jesus is cool, and everyone loves the holiday
lights. The problem is, I don't celebrate Christmas! Neither do other
Jews, Buddhists, Muslims, Hindus, Atheists, Sikhs, Jains, and tons of
other people. Of course, we don't expect you to know that, but we also
don't need you to assume otherwise. Because we are SO over it. We are
over being clumped into your religion and your holidays and your
assumption that everyone lives the life you live.
We
get it, we're not like you. Our heritage and traditions aren't as big
and bright and exciting as yours. We don't get you, you don't get us,
that's okay. We're not as popular and we don't fit in quite as well. I
mean, come on, you guys literally looked around nature, spotted the
biggest, most space-consuming thing, brought it INTO YOUR HOME, and
covered it in bright lights. You're the boss, the winner, good job!
When
someone assumes I celebrate Christmas, I feel two things. First, I feel
like that person is forcing themselves upon me. Not literally,
obviously. It's just a feeling of being coerced into something without
my consent, as though it's so important that every human being has to be
involved. Meanwhile, my own interests and choices are meaningless to
you. Maybe 5 people text me on Chanukah to wish me a good holiday.
Meanwhile, everyone, their mother, and the pope text me on Christmas.
Most of those people know I'm not Christian. This tells me that you know
better and you just don't care. It's a complete disregard for a huge
part of who I am. Is it spiteful merry wishes? Or do you think that if
you make me feel included and welcome, I'll convert? What's the game
plan here? Let me be clear, I will never choose an Italian sub over a
bagel, I will never choose Coachella over a cousin's Bar Mitzvah, and I
will always use my obnoxious "Jewish name" as an ice breaker. These are
the things in which I firmly believe.
The second
feeling is that of being identified incorrectly. Quite honestly, it's
kind of racist/anti-Semitic. I mean, if you're Japanese and someone
assumes you're Chinese or you're Bangladeshi and someone calls you
Indian, that's not acceptable, right? This is the same situation. I'm
proud of my heritage, even if I don't believe in its religious aspects.
I believe in my traditions, I respect my ancestors, and I love my
culture.
It's disrespectful, ignorant, and insensitive. I
am not Christian, and there have always been people making me feel
lesser for that. There's a lot of hatred out there, many people trying
to end diversity! When someone assumes we ALL celebrate Christmas, all I
see is someone who expects me to be just like them and assimilate. Do
you know I couldn't find a single dreidel for sale this year? Wait,
that's not true. I saw a SANTA CLAUSE DREIDEL!
Sorry,
friend, I'm a Jew. This Christmas, I'm gonna Jew so hard. Matter of
fact, I'm gonna chat with Buddha, Mohammed, Vishnu... heck, I'll bring
in some Greek Gods, I don't care! All of us are going to be here and we
aren't going to celebrate Christmas. No trees, no jingle bells, and no
freaking reindeer! How do you stake claim on an entire species of
animal!?
This is not a war on Christmas, this is a
plea. Until the day when my Google Calendar tells me when EVERY holiday is, and not just Christmas and Easter, I will still hold a grudge. When people stop asking me about the "Jewish language", then I'll be more sympathetic. If a time comes when Bible-thumpers stop going around trying convert or kill everyone, maybe I'll hear you guys out.
Keep singing and being merry, but I want nothing to do with your
glazed ham, and don't even mention a Chanukah bush! Unless it's an olive
tree and it's going to light my Hanukia, I don't want it.
