Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Insane in the Membrane

There has been much speculation over my mental health. Suspicions, "diagnosis", random guesses... all of which I wish I could put an end to. However, I cannot. That is because I know for certain there is something loose up there in the ol' noggin but I am not sure what it is. I've gone to the doctors, I've taken the meds, I've heard the droning on and on about things I completely miss out on because I am too distracted by the ceiling or what is happening outside the window. I don't hear a word of it.

So what is "wrong"? My main concern are my episodes. Stressful situations make me go a little wacko. Nothing in particular really leads to these reactions... During said episodes, I get my superwoman powers and nothing can calm me down. Just time! Of course, this can span from 2-4 hours. A long time when there is someone trying to keep you from killing or seriously harming yourself. It's exhausting for everyone involved.

The truth is, it's very hard for me to recount the details too accurately, as there is something of a disassociation that occurs. It is as if I am siting back, watching the going ons without the ability to stop myself. I want to, I would love to, but everything just flashes before my eyes and before I know it, I am sweaty, exhausted, and ill. Not to mention, usually my body is trying to puke up some sort of handful of pills by the end. It's a jolly good time for all. Some may be quick to label this as bipolar and I respect that opinion but I do hope that's not the case. EVERYONE has bipolar these days. I want something a bit cooler. Something rare with a weird name no one can pronounce.

When we as a society look at certain people, certain disorders, and even ourselves, we are so ready to label. "He has OCD, I have Asperger's, and this is the exact definition of what that is." I wish it were so simple. Although, if it were, I would have every disorder in the book. I have OCD because I stop the microwave at 2 seconds, I have to put my right shoe on first, and I can't have an odd number of anything. I am a sociopath because I am have difficulty forming relationships with people and feeling love for individuals. I have Asperger's because I lack social abilities and find it very hard to fit into normal social situations. I have social anxiety because I sweat, turn red, have trouble breathing, and selective mutism around certain people. Do you know what disorder I really, really have, though?

I have Me Disorder. I am me, I am a human being and that implies that there will be issues with health, mentally and physically. If you survive until you're old enough to drink legally without being jailed, dying, or committing equally awful acts, chances are you're doing okay. Even I think I'm okay most of the time. I don't have a job, I don't have a relationship, I don't have an income, I have been in college for almost 6 years, I have episodes, I attempt suicide more often than I see the dentist, and I emotionally hurt people while I am trying to hurt myself... I am a mess but I aim to improve and that seems like a heckuva job to me. When my family likes me, they tell me I'm different and eccentric and unique. When they're upset at me, they tell me I need to be locked up. We're all trying to get better. We just work on different things in different ways at different paces. One person may say I am broken, another will say I am hardy and another may say I'm a slightly dented girl with a big heart. Hint: I'm the one who said the last thing.

Everyone wishes they could say they have it all together but no one does. We just look at one another and think, "Hey- that's guy knows what he's doing..." Truth is? Unlikely. I've known that guy and he is in his bed every night crying because he's lost. Completely and utterly dumfounded.

Have you noticed I always start my blong (I accidentally wrote blong instead of blog. I was going to change it but I quite like it...) with tough love. Harsh, forward honesty and then end with a heartfelt, inspirational message. This is why they pay me the big bucks.

The thing is, I just believe if we embraced our oddities, rather than being outcasts or high on drugs all the time, maybe there would be less crazies going around hurting people. I may be wrong, these people may be born to destroy and kill but what if one or two of them are just sick of feeling unhealthy and weird and judged? What if they have years of anger and hurt built up and it blows up and throws them into an...  episode. One where they can't think or see or do what they want. Where they are 10 times stronger than before. Where they can release every bit of anger without worrying about the consequences until afterwards. Maybe healing must take place before this can be prevented. No amount of security or laws can stop what just a few words of acceptance can. What if, what if... these are just theories, questions, experiments but if they do the trick, millions of people can be relieved and breathe again. Exist in a world where they won't be held back or persecuted for being themselves. They won't be locked up and treated like King Kong, just a spectacle. I think some lives could be changed, saved.

1 comment:

  1. Me Disorder isn't too bad, if it leads to you. Hang in there, darlin'.