or, dare I say, adorable!
I never was the type to be romantic, let me just say that. I'm the "figure out I like you or hit the road" sort. However, recently that has changed. Maybe that is due to my journey, maybe that is me growing up, or maybe that's just me getting sick of missing out on good things. How do I know I've changed, even just a little bit? Well... I just applied for a job. Not just any job, I applied for a job at Sprinkles Cupcakes. Yes, I do love looking at pastries, but that's not why I applied. I applied because their number 1 special benefit of the job. One free cupcake a day!
Now, I can only eat their one vegan cupcake and my dog can only eat their one doggie cupcake, so what's the point? Well, first of all, a free cupcake is the best kind of cupcake, and second of all, I couldn't help but imagine some guy coming into my life and me being able to offer him a different flavoured cupcake every day of the week.
Sure, in my fantasy he's dressed as Dick Van Dyke in one of those movies I have never seen that Dick Van Dyke is in, and I myself am sporting a parasol and a hoop skirt, but that's not my point! My point is, I applied for a job entirely for the purpose of doing something ridiculously ridunkadunk for a BOY!
I've written my share of depressing anti-romance songs and had periods of time swearing off the boy man figure sort, but never have I ever wanted to commit an entire job and every day of it to shoving a love-soaked cushy muffin of sugary puke into a fellas mouth. Not to mention, then watching as it took its effect and he got fatter and fatter, to the point where he felt he had to come rolling into my job one day and say, "Feed me no more cupcakes, my love, for I have grown beastly and undesirable", and as I shove yet another floury calorie cauldron into a stretch marked, veiny, heart attack threatening bod, I whisper, "More to love, my dear, more to love...." And then his blood clots, he drops to the ground, says, "Thank you, my love", and dies.
Something like that, at least. Not to say that that is what I desire, since I think it's gross to feed someone else, but you're missing the point! I want to take care of someone and show I care. WHO AM I!?
I feel a deep life lesson coming on...
See, my whole life I've struggled with affections and intimacies. I am not a hugger or a kisser or a toucher or a teller. I sit back and let the world happen to me. This is why I have been told on multiple occasions that I am the calmest person ever. It's true. I don't bug people, I don't complain or hate or really affect people's lives unless they come to me (Well, I do try to make people's lives better, but not individuals usually.) In general, I don't push myself into people's lives. However, sometimes they want me to or expect me to. I just never know that! Not because my self esteem is so low, but because it doesn't occur to me! I don't know how to human, okay?!
It turns out, you have to make an effort to keep people in your life! Be brave, be stupid, be vulnerable! I've realized, these are things one has to consciously decide to do, especially if it doesn't come naturally. Once in a while I have to remember, "If I don't step up, I'll lose this person".... There is a cause and effect and even if I don't want to feel stupid and "put myself out there", I guess if it matters enough, it's worth feeling stupid, or even hurt. Maybe I'll even be surprised what comes of it. Or just end up absolutely miserable and embarrassed and angry. It's like I've always said, though, we're on this Earth with absolutely NO other purpose, why not try things that may end poorly? Might as well.
Someone important to me said recently something that really stuck. Basically, he said, "When we meet someone, we are meeting a bodyguard for their 10 year old selves", something along those lines. At first I wanted to disagree, I tried to think of flaws in that logic, but... nope, it's true. Around 10 is when our feelings about others really start to form. As babies, many phobias come about and we never lose certain fears or dislikes, but for the most part, we are aware and start losing trust at 10 or so. That defense remains for the rest of our lives. However, what we make of it and how we take control of it is what matters. Personally, I never even tried to control my wall. I had it up there and I got so cozy with it. I had put up a painting and had a fireplace under a shelf with a goldfish bowl on it. I mean, I was living it up. On another part of the wall were burgundy and gold drapes that matched the brick perfectly. I had spent several years choosing that colour palette, but I was so proud of my choice. Even the windows themselves were perfectly wiped down each day. Not a streak in sight! I had put up a little wind chime to jangle when the winds were particularly rough and made their way through the slight space between the glass and the window frame. The noise was very woody and not metallic like most wind chimes. High pitched noises tend to bug me, so I was very glad for this. It was heaven.
That is, until one person stopped trying to climb the wall. This person threw out his hammer and his climbing boots and stopped trying to get over or through the wall. He simply chilled out in by the door. Occasionally he waved at me through the window, but he never tried to break the glass. This changed everything.
For the first time, I opened the window and I offered him a glass of water. I watched everyone outdoors and I felt the breeze and the sun. I wanted to be outdoors too! I wanted to go to a party with my best gal pal and tightly hold onto someone's hand so we wouldn't lose each other. Maybe I'd know the lyrics to a pop song and sing it unashamedly (maybe....) I'm a little embarrassed to admit it, I still think it's so cliche and goofy, but I think if I could lead this life for a little bit, just try it out, I could get to really enjoy it. I could make it part of who I am and how I live my life. Or at least I could integrate it into my current lifestyle. A little privacy and safety mixed with allowing individuals to get into my secret garden... that's not an innuendo, even though it sounds like one. At this point, it does seem worth a try, though. I think I can do it.
The secret is and was, that no one can convince me to do it. No one can tell me do it. That's just because I am a contrarian. I think most people are, whether aware of it or not. God, if I make one more life choice because my grandmother wants it or doesn't want it, I might have to punch a baby. I am SO over that way of living. If she tells me one more time to get my master's degree or marry a tall Jewish lawyer or... well, that's the only two things she wants me to do with my life. Neither are going to be up to her anymore. That's step one!