In the past 30 days, 4 people who meant a great deal to me have committed suicide. That is four. Four lives gone. Off the face of this planet, as far as we know or are concerned. How do we explain this? How do we provide closure and understanding? We do not. We cannot.
All four are now dead because they could not tolerate life. They could not find joie de vivre, nor anything to make-up for the misery or challenges they faced. Therefore, they ended it.
These names should not be forgotten. I want them written out, said, seen, and heard.
Because suicide is evidence of how selfless humans are.
How can you say suicide is selfish, but not credit those of us who are living to be selfless? To some extent, this is logical, is it not?
Not that I believe there is anything wrong with the selfishness of suicide. If anyone is going to decide when you die, it should be you! If you choose one time to be selfish, why not make it the time you can conclude your own story? Seems only fair to me!
Q: Does this mean I condone suicide?
A: I do not.
As a matter of fact, I beg you not to consider it. Not for a moment. Not for half a moment.
As I have now been hurt by the act 4 times, I can certainly say it hurts like all heck. Nothing gets better! Sure, you don't have to deal with your problems, but WE do, and that is the worst thing you can do to someone else. To lay that all on someone else is cruel. Albeit, it alleviates your pain.... Just, be aware; your loved ones will suffer. They will suffer more than you could possibly comprehend.
Will I look at you with disgust and shame if you are contemplating it? I would not be such a hypocrite.
As a person experienced in the thoughts and feelings of a suicidal mind, I know the only answer is to find help. Cliche, yes, but what else do you expect? A magical fairy to make life fair and easy and happy? Shut your face.
I guess the one member of this list that is most relatable, because we all know and love him, is Mr. Robin Williams. A God amongst comedians. The man we all want to be - at least, in character. What I fear most is, if Robin Williams; a man who has brought joy to millions across the globe, has a great career, lovely family, and such strength and intelligence - if even he could not and chose not to face another day; what hope do the rest of us have? What hope do I have?
There should be hope. I believe there always will be hope. But, do you see the conundrum we must face? The terrifying reality? Now, I know things didn't start out so simple for the man, and there were drugs involved, of course... but, why do you think that is?
Williams was a genius. Maybe he saw and knew too much for his own good...?
My other friends were equally as beautiful in heart and spirit. Wonderful musician, loving family person, delightfully charismatic and intelligent. The traits that make them each, individually incredible is endless.
What differs them from those of us who have less to offer in this realm?
I guess to answer that is to answer the question of the ages! The thing is, some people will never find joy or pleasure in this world. That may be called depression, that may be called awareness. After all, we do live in a world of emptiness.
Our lives are just buckets full of holes. Each day we fill them with things and stuff and people and whatever, but slowly everything drains out. We keep filling them; faster and faster. Convincing ourselves that they are just as full of flowers and bunnies as they were, but we will never fill them to the top. We will never be satisfied. Some people give up. Their arms ache, and they see no point in filling the bucket anymore. They know it will just empty out once again. They stop putting things inside. Eventually, their buckets fade away.
This is why I don't fill my bucket with pretty clothes and school papers. As a matter of fact, I like to sit in my bucket. How silly is that?
Sometimes I will sit down on a broken piece and get hurt. Other times, I will find something in the bucket that makes me smile. People will put things in my bucket from time-to-time. Good things, bad things, things I don't fully understand. But there's always something in there for me to explore. Not for the sake of filling empty space, but because, while learning more about my bucket, I learn more about other people and their buckets.
Some people may pass my bucket and think I look funny sitting there, or that I am wasting the space I have available, but I don't mind! Everyone must do with their bucket as they see fit.
Once in a while, someone will see me sitting there and they will put their bucket next to mine. We will chat or trade, or look inside each other's buckets. Scandalous, I know! It makes it all worth it, for whatever time we have together.
Buckets come and go, but mine is always under me. Grounded and safe. I like that.
Maybe if someone had helped those 4 people named above (go look at their names again) find a sturdy place to sit in their bucket, maybe their bucket would still be here. Instead of having been kicked into... well, who knows where?! Or maybe those buckets were worn out. They were kicked and dropped so many times that the hole grew bigger and bigger. So big that even when they sat in their own buckets, THEY drained out!
I wish I had known just how big their holes were. I would have tried to patch them. Then again, I'm not sure I have the right tools.
I will have to go out and buy stronger ones, and I hope you will, too.
Hole repair shopper's guide:
1 - Compassion, empathy, sympathy, patience, forgiveness
2 - A heart, a smile, a listening ear
3 - Breathing, hugging, kissing, hugging
4 - Music, art, dance, theatre, books
5 - Animal babies, human babies, flowers, sunrises
6 - Love, love, love, love.