Friday, June 1, 2018

So, your kid's not a genius!

So, your kid's not a genius:

What to do if your offspring isn't the sharpest tool at the Juggalo Fest


I'll start by saying that I have never taken any sort of IQ or aptitude test. Heck, I could probably count the number of times I've taken an eye exam in my life on one hand. However, I have met many people who tell me that their pediatrician told them they were geniuses when they were just 2 days old. Then, they grow up and claim their kid's a genius right outta the belly bag (scientific terminology). A few people agree and, bada bing flada floom, next thing you know, kid's on the shoulders of a man in a funny hat, wearing Alice Cooper makeup, and does not look amused at all.


It's hard to challenge someone who claims their little cherub monster is special and does magical things. It's like those images that move if you turn your head, step back, and squint. Okay, so, they're a genius. You and your kid are geniuses. Actually, no! Right... you were a genius, until you realized that your 4-year-old is smarter than you. Thus, he/she is the genius and you renounce your ingeniousness. Something like that.

I've know many of these people. The question is, do they all have anything in common? Any traits or habits that may be the secret to great success? Yes. Oh, yes. They all seemed really stupid.

Obviously, when it came to their *specialty*, their jargon and BS-ery was on-point, but ask a history buff to grab a box of tea on the way home or hand a mathematician a wrench and you may not get very far. These are an entirely different skill set, though, why would I expect someone to excel at skills that require talents in a whole different portion of the brain? I don't. But, completely lacking basic life or social skills or common sense just doesn't feel all that genius to me.

One day, you'll be out for sushi with your one-trick pony and as the chopsticks are placed on the table, you'll look at each other and realize that this is not the life you had in mind. Sure, at the stable he could prance and gallop like a Pegasus floating on a cloud, and that's wonderful. However, at WuShun WuShuf Sushi Palace, those talents are meaningless.

At the end of the day, a parent wants to see their child be "the best" and succeed. They don't want to see their spawn struggle or fail, for a multitude of reasons. You could just tell them to suck it up and get over it or that there are worse things than a kid who isn't SPECIAL, but that only goes so far. Having a dumb, mediocre, average kid is not what you imagined after 9 months of morning sickness, oopsie poopsies (another medical term) and various other challenges of childbirth. You expected a thing just as perfect as you.

 
Guess what? That kid is absolutely perfect. No matter how much stress, exhaustion, frustration they put you through, despite all the trials and tribulations you must face for the sake of the creature you created, that beast demon is perfect for what and who they are. The world may never recognize it or celebrate it, but the world is hella dumb. Most people who are celebrated on a mass scale are horrible, awful, manipulative creatures who only focus on their own peace and comfort. As satisfying as it is to be told that you or your child are akin to Einstein or Mozart or Ms. Frizzle, this is seldom a true compliment.

Example time! Today I heard a college tour guide ask a group of teens, "Anyone planning on being Columbus in college and studying abroad?"
She said this with a large smile and great enthusiasm. When no one raised their hand, her smile turned upside-down and she looked disappointed in the group. My thought was, "That's like asking a group of Boy Scouts, "Hey, anyone planning on being Robert Mugabe in college and studying leadership?"
Sure, the man knew how to walk into a party and own it, but when the party's over, you gotsta go!

Einstein... had strict rules for his wife, Maric. The rules included: ‘she had to stop talking when Einstein asked her to’, ‘she had to serve him three meals a day’, and ‘she could not expect any physical intimacy from him’.
Einstein... the guy who married his cousin after separating from Maric, and still continued to have extramarital affairs.
Mozart... who loudly and publicly sang to the woman who rejected him the words, "Leck mir das Mensch im Arsch, das mich nicht will" (The one who doesn't want me can lick my ass)."
Mozart... a man known for his love of scatalogical humor. In case you don't know what that is, it's jokes about "defecation, urination, and flatulence, and to a lesser extent vomiting and other body functions." 
Aside from putting children in precarious situations and frizzy hair, Ms. Frizzle was perfect, but there are always exceptions.

The point is, any disappointment in your child will lead to a deep, secret, sometimes extremely unconscious resentment, a feeling your child will pick up on, no matter what you use to cover it up. This could lead to a downward spiral, a strained relationship, or self-esteem problems that seemingly arose from "nowhere". These expectations and high standards that do not exist or mean anything will control the life he/she leads. Meanwhile, it's all just a power game, a lie people are told and tell in order to feel like they have things in order, when, really, it's all just chaos. No matter how many facts, stats, books, or deep thoughts someone can list off, underneath it all, there is fear, insecurity, and great potential for failure.

Embrace those mistakes, that room for improvement! Be the parent who swoops in and recognizes the challenges, and is on the child's team, rooting for them, helping them, lifting them up, and guiding them. From the moment that kid is born until you're on a straw rocking chair with a catheter, that kid is yours and it is your job to stick with them through hell or high water, to offer solutions or consolation or a bowl of ice cream after a rough time. There's no walking away from that responsibility, no matter where or who your child turns into as they mature. Your one job is to be with them for the journey, even when you just don't want to do it.

The problem is not that your child is not perfect, the problem is that most parents fail to recognize the perfection. They can't be bothered to celebrate it and help polish the scuffs when things get hazy. Parenthood is a messy job without any rhyme or reason. This is why a willingness to learn from others, listen to and respect your children, and be better at parenting as whole, is the only way to move forward and make the best of it. Whether adopted, implanted, accidental, or scheduled, there is no better or worse, there is only an opportunity to positively impact humanity.




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